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THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD

"Let's get ready to Rrrruuummmbbbllleee" Michael Buffer


Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY GRAND HOTEL. Tonight we are going to witness the most anticipated fight of all time. 12 rounds of boxing for the Retail Tenancy Championship of the Wwwoooorrrlllddd. Sanctioned by The Federal Government, President ScoMo of Australia. Fighting out of the blue corner, weighing in at a dubious 138 pounds, with a fight record of 16 bouts, 0 wins, 15 losses and 1 draw, the challenger, Hospitality "The Stimulator" Tenant. (Loud Cheers). Fighting out of the red corner, weighing in at 281 pounds, with a perfect fight record of 48 bouts, 48 wins, 32 by knockout, the undisputed champion of the wwwooorrrlllddd, Your "Moneymaker" Landlord (Booooooooooo).


"I want a good clean fight, nothing below the belt, no holding, when I say break, you break. Now touch gloves." Ding ding.


It's gonna be on like donkey kong. The idea that landlords and tenants are going to 'nut this out' is about as likely as Barry Hall or Sonny Bill winning a title fight. Let me get this right, landlords are going to cut the value of their properties by up to 50% by providing long term rent relief to their tenants. And tenants are going to open their books to landlords to accurately report sales. I'm going to match a mermaid on tinder, fly a unicorn to work and serve flying pork on my new menu too.


ScoMo, the idea is right. The sentiment is right. but we need more detail for our retail. We need 'Queensberrry Rules' to prepare for the bout. Calculating rent relief as a % of sales during the downturn is sound. It makes sense. Why not apply the principle for future rents? Why not make it a standard by industry? For our industry I suggest a base rent commensurate with how many square metres of tenancy you have. I suggest the greater of base rent v. 5% of pre GST sales. I suggest that our business activity statements regulate how much rent we pay each month. I suggest that we realise the reality, we are in the ring together, mano a mano.


Stop dancing around, throw a few jabs, hit 'em with your best shot, keep fronting up and maybe you'll survive the 12 rounds. Maybe you'll get your first win. You're a puncher's chance!


There are referees. In Victoria, it's the Small Business Commission. Don't sign up for the fight without a manager. Don't prepare for the fight without a trainer. And train hard. You'll only get one shot at the title.






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